After beginning a romantic relationship in August 1981, Joan Goodwin and Vanessa Ford spent fall 1981 in an intense, clandestine affair. They often stayed up through the night together, and Joan experienced a persistent sense of vitality tied to their connection. Outwardly, Joan kept her life unchanged: she continued seeing Frances socially, kept her distance from Vanessa in public, and concealed the relationship from Barbara, her parents, and friends like Donna and John “Griff” Griffin. The pair managed their public interactions carefully, sitting apart at gatherings and acting as friends at Johnson Space Center, while privately sharing late-night visits initiated by Vanessa’s discreet knock on Joan’s door.

One night, while Joan massaged Vanessa, Joan asked if Vanessa’s mother knew about her sexuality. Vanessa explained that her Catholic mother likely suspected but refused to broach the topic, while Vanessa avoided making it obvious. Vanessa described prolonged estrangements over attending Mass—sometimes lasting months or even a year—stemming from her refusal to submit to beliefs she rejects. Joan, aware of the precariousness of their secret, recognized the social and familial risks surrounding their relationship.

The conversation turned to belief. Vanessa said she no longer believed in God and refused to accept a doctrine of original sin or a punitive deity, even at the cost of conflict with her mother. Joan admired Vanessa’s defiance as “dauntless.” Vanessa then asked Joan about her faith, prompting Joan to articulate a view that reconciled science and spirituality.

Joan contrasted her Protestant upbringing with scientific understanding, affirming that science does not preclude God. She outlined the four fundamental forces, the need for a unifying theory, and proposed a Spinozan idea that God is the universe itself. She described humans as moments in time composed of shared atoms and connections, arguing that recognizing this interdependence—seen in phenomena like symbiosis—creates moral responsibility and a sense of belonging. Vanessa related the perspective of seeing human commonality from the cockpit, and imagined flying with Joan over the Rockies at sunrise, which Joan said she would call “God.”

As Joan finished, Vanessa praised her passion and joked that Joan could be an evangelical preacher if not for disqualifying attributes, then unexpectedly told Joan, “I love you.” Joan, stunned, reciprocated. They held each other, savoring the moment and contemplating the fragile yet profound rightness of their connection, with Joan marveling at the cosmic conditions that allow life—and thus their love—to exist.